It was important for me to hear other people’s anxiety recovery story while I was on my journey, so today I’ll be sharing mine.
Being able to find people to relate to while you’re going through a difficult journey can feel pivotal. All journeys and experiences are different but hearing other anxiety recovery story can help you understand your own.
This blog is my own personal anxiety recovery story and my feelings along the way. I hope you can take something from it.
My Anxiety Recovery Story.
A question I wanted to know so much while I had anxiety and depression, and even after it had left was… ‘Will I ever feel like me again?’
I desperately wanted to know if I’d ever be confident, happy, and ambitious again. Even in the recovery stages, after it all, I still didn’t feel like me. I was still haunted by scars leaving me scared. Can you fully recover from anxiety and depression?
Here’s what I learnt…
When I think about the difference between what I could do the year after I had anxiety and what I could do the year I had it, it takes my breath away.
In 2019, I started to recover from anxiety and depression. If you haven’t read about my journey it goes a little something like this…
My journey into anxiety.
I experienced my first warning sign of anxiety in December 2017. Although, when I think about it, I had been given a lot of signs by my body before then. But this was my first panic attack, it was completely out of the blue while I was shopping in London.
I continued to ignore the warning signs, but my anxiety peaked, and I could barely do normal functioning human things. This is when depression joined the tea party, around April 2018.
I continued to live with my mind in Hell for the next few months, I barely worked, got myself into debt and just did the bare minimum for a human to function, which at times felt like a lot of effort.
The changing point.
September 2018. It was a Monday and I remember spending the day crying, but this time it wasn’t because of the pain in my mind. It was because the pain had gone, and I could feel this strange feeling I could only name as ‘normalness’. I cried all day because I felt normal. I wasn’t insanely happy, I just felt okay. There was no pain, no overwhelming heaviness. It was like being with a long-lost friend. I’d been craving this feeling for so long, like when you’re sick with a cold and you tell yourself you’ll be so grateful when you feel healthy and normal again. But this ‘cold’ of mine had lasted months so when normal finally returned, I cried.
That was the start of my recovery. September 2018. Thank you.
The recovery road.
The road to recovery is long. I didn’t know I would spend the next few months trying to heal the scars that depression and anxiety had given me. In fact, anxiety was still around to drink tea with me at times. But I was glad depression had gone because I could start to heal. Relief washed over me when the brain fog reduce and so I could actually start to form a to-do list for the days or weeks.
I couldn’t put too much on my plate though, because anxiety was never too far away, always ready to pop its head in. That year I remember asking my mum to book my car in for an MOT and take it in because my anxiety kept spiking just at the thought of it.
I still had the familiar feeling of tears falling on my face and sadness. But this sadness felt a little different to the one depression shared with me. I was sad because I missed someone, I missed me.
Missing me.
I was no longer crippled by depression, but I was still not who I remember being before it. At the time I was scared, weakened and a little shy towards life. I missed the girl who had big dreams and goals, who knew she could do anything she put her mind to. Who was strong enough to joke around and confident to back herself. The girl who’d give herself pep talks before tough situations, who knew her worth. Missing her was the sadness I now felt. I was so scared that depression had changed me for life, that I would never be that happy, confident, rose-tinted glasses girl again and that life would now be something I tiptoe through quietly.
This tiptoeing carried on for a few months. As though the scars from depression could break open at any moment and I could go back to living in hell on Earth.
But slowly, so slowly that I didn’t even notice it happening, the pain from the scars were barely felt. I began to feel excited about the challenges that used to cripple me. She had returned, so quietly, so slowly I didn’t even see that Bianca, the girl I had known for most of my life had moved her belongings back into my mind.
Returning to me.
My car’s MOT came up the following year, and not one part of me was worried. It’s just something I’ll do. When asked if I’d like to do something, I pause for a second and think of all the challenges it may bring. But Bianca is there for the pep talk, telling me that a challenge is fun, and it will be good for me.
I never lost myself to depression, it didn’t really change me. It just taught me a few little lessons. I’m more realistic now, instead of piling too much on my plate, drinking coffee at all times of the day (I’d actually still like to do this), and hustling myself into the ground. I think about my schedule, about having some me time. And if, realistically, the idea that excites me to do now will hinder or help me in the long run.
I’m kinder if someone is sad now. I consider what I can do for them, and how I can change their life for the better. And I open up to a lot more people now, even myself. I’m a better friend and person because of it all.
A message to you.
So, this is just a message for those of you who have been so completely changed by depression and anxiety that you can hardly recognise yourself. Whether you’re in the depths of it or on the road to recovery. Don’t worry, don’t be sad, you’re still you and you will return. Your job, for now, is to just hang on, bury your roots deep and stay. Because soon you’ll be back to your old self, brightening up the world. Just wait out the storm, it will pass. Stay. You’re on your way home.
Here if you need. I hope you know how strong you are, even if you can’t feel it right now.
Bianca x
This post was My Anxiety Recovery Story.
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